I'm Just a pilot roaming

Written by Elisha Kiala

Bird’s Eye- Ravyn Lanae (2024) album cover

A couple days ago I was texting one of my closest friends about post-uni life. We were just discussing jobs and careers. And I admitted to her that I really dont know where I'm going with any of this. Even speaking to my sister, her asking me the important questions about my career, where i'm going next i instantly get defensive because I simply dont know. Growing up I have always prided myself in the fact that Ive always known what I wanted, despite what was going on in my family home or in the world I knew who I was and what I wanted to be. I’ve changed so much. 

I struggle with uncertainty. It’s supposed to be this thing that can provide you freedom. That you can’t control your life and you can’t predict your future so you should just live in the present. But this has bruised me. It’s made me fear everything because what if something bad ends up happening instead of good. Uncertainty makes me anxious. I’m in this vicious cycle with myself, trying to navigate a future world that I do not and cannot understand.  Beating myself for not having the answers straight away. I’ve changed so much. And I hate that. I hate it because I wasn’t expecting it. Three years ago, I was so different ,  in my head the person I used to be  was way better than who she is now. But I think it’s because my life seemed so much more clearer. I knew what I wanted then. I don’t know what I want now. I’m so ‘small to the world I’m in’. I see that now. I’ve changed so much. 

I hope to be more understanding of my life circumstances. Because if I was I would be okay with things not working out the way I felt it should have. My change is something I’m growing to no longer fear but embrace. My being is complex and that’s okay. Who I was yesterday will change, I shouldn’t feel boxed in by this, I should feel pride because of this. My liberation is expressed through my ever changing nature. This is not something I understood before but completely understand  now. 

To be a pilot roaming is to be a person flying in a sky that’s too big for you to be in alone. Yet you still feel like you're driving your own plane. My 20s so far have been filled with a lot of lonely moments in the sky. Scared I may crash and burn. Or drop flat. But as I sit in this plane, with a destination that is uncertain I am certain that I will land somewhere. There’s so much liberty in releasing who I thought I was and becoming who I’m led to be. I’ve been convicted. To stop repressing parts of me that needs to evolve. I am no longer chained to my past selves.